keep counting…

I have written a post about something in my life that really bothers me. I have decided that I am not ready to post it yet though. Instead I have collected some thoughts on things that happened over the past week, so that you guys can get to know me a little better. I know I haven’t posted in a while but I had exams and the stress got the better of me, I was constantly on the edge of crying. Sometimes I didn’t know if I was about to burst into histerical laughter or if I was going to cry. Also someone close to me passed away last night.


I have just finished the book I was reading (Joe Speedboot, Tommy Wieringa) and I feel my uneven heartbeat, it confuses me because I feel completely calm. It’s 1AM and I hear my father snoring through the wall, I know why he is sleeping there… I am laying awake in my bed, listening to the harsh sounds, I wonder how he sleeps through it himself. Anyone whould wake up from that noise, except him. Now don’t think it sounds like someone is drilling a hole in the wall. A little exaggerating doesn’t hurt 😉


The voice I hear while reading is calming, different for every character. The voice makes every emotion the characters feel very vivid. The voice isn’t my voice, it isn’t even formed in my head. It comes from an outside source. It is the voice of a man, somewhere between 40 and 50 years old. His voice soothes me. When my eyes once again jump from one sentence to the other, making phrases that don’t make sense in anyway at all, the voice leads me through the text. Whenever I screw up I can lean on him, I am thank full, though I have no idea who he is.


During my exams I calculate not only during economy, fysics, chemistry or math. I am constantly counting and calculating the time I have left or how much of it has all ready passed, not only in minutes but also in percentages from the entire time we got for the exams. I then calculate how much percent from the exercises I have already done so that i can see if I’m working quick enough. It calms me when I am stressing during the exam. When I don’t know the answer and I start unconsciously tapping my pen against the table, annoying everyone around me, I start calculating things, like I said: the time, in all possible ways and the grade I think I’ll get. Numbers make sense. I can think straight again and I suddenly know something to write down, it doesn’t matter if my answer is right as long as I write something. Then there will always be at least a chance that it’s right.


I feel helpless… It can’t be true, it just can’t be! I must have misheard or misunderstood something. I still can’t believe it… I mean: how often does someting like this happen? She really is gone… Dead. A friend of mine, she was 16 years old and one of the nicest people I have ever met. She wasn’t ill or anything, It wasn’t an accident either, it was bad luck: Bleeding in her brain… I don’t think I quit realize it yet though, for I expect to see her everytime I walk around a corner and whenever I see a door opening.

I was in Dutch class when a few people were taken away, we didn’t know why but soon all sorts of explanations were yelled trough the room. Most of them did havce her in them, the people were her best friends. When we saw they were crying – the guys too – we knew it was serious. After our lesson I immidiatly went to them and just hugged them, hugged them all. At that point I didn’t know what had happened. When they told me the rolls changed, suddenly they had to comfort me because I was crying, shoulder shocking. After a few minutes the whole school was gathered in the ‘Great hall’ (I say great hall because that is litterally translated what we call it and I don’t know an other word for it), the principal told everyone that she had bad news, I was the only one there who already knew, the others were somewhere else in the school with the man who is responsible for us (again lack of a fitting word). Everyone was looking at me because I just sat there, still crying. When she told the other students there were mixed reactions: shock, disbelieve, sadness, confusion. I you wanted you could talk about it to teachers or just sit in silence. Today I was okay if you didn’t want to go to your lessons. I stayed at school for 2 hours, I had nowhere else to go. I was silent, except for crying that s. We just sat there and cried, laughed about things she’d say and cried some more. People kept saying they didn’t believe it. And that if it was a joke, which we all hoped that the person who did it wouldn’t leave the school in one piece. In the mean time I was counting: people I saw walking outside, the amount of cups that were standing one the table with drinks and how many times people pet me on my head, trying to comfort me (they could easily do that because I was sitting on the floor), it helped my clear my mind a little, not much but just enough to keep me from swearing and yelling.

After that we went outside, me and a few others, there were people from my school everywhere, talking and being sad. after an other hour we went back to school. Me and a friend played some volleyball, because that is the way we both handle everything that happens in our lives. It calmed me down a little.

I have said it out loud once, I couldn’t bring myself to it at first but I had to explain to my mom why I was crying, again.


I hope you will understand why I haven’t posted in a while, the last part happened today.

Rest In Peace Sweet, wonderful Rinske ❤

Until next time X Cleo

P.s I think I’ll do more posts like this, just my thoughts. Whould you like that? please leave a comment!


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