keep counting…

I have written a post about something in my life that really bothers me. I have decided that I am not ready to post it yet though. Instead I have collected some thoughts on things that happened over the past week, so that you guys can get to know me a little better. I know I haven’t posted in a while but I had exams and the stress got the better of me, I was constantly on the edge of crying. Sometimes I didn’t know if I was about to burst into histerical laughter or if I was going to cry. Also someone close to me passed away last night.


I have just finished the book I was reading (Joe Speedboot, Tommy Wieringa) and I feel my uneven heartbeat, it confuses me because I feel completely calm. It’s 1AM and I hear my father snoring through the wall, I know why he is sleeping there… I am laying awake in my bed, listening to the harsh sounds, I wonder how he sleeps through it himself. Anyone whould wake up from that noise, except him. Now don’t think it sounds like someone is drilling a hole in the wall. A little exaggerating doesn’t hurt πŸ˜‰


The voice I hear while reading is calming, different for every character. The voice makes every emotion the characters feel very vivid. The voice isn’t my voice, it isn’t even formed in my head. It comes from an outside source. It is the voice of a man, somewhere between 40 and 50 years old. His voice soothes me. When my eyes once again jump from one sentence to the other, making phrases that don’t make sense in anyway at all, the voice leads me through the text. Whenever I screw up I can lean on him, I am thank full, though I have no idea who he is.


During my exams I calculate not only during economy, fysics, chemistry or math. I am constantly counting and calculating the time I have left or how much of it has all ready passed, not only in minutes but also in percentages from the entire time we got for the exams. I then calculate how much percent from the exercises I have already done so that i can see if I’m working quick enough. It calms me when I am stressing during the exam. When I don’t know the answer and I start unconsciously tapping my pen against the table, annoying everyone around me, I start calculating things, like I said: the time, in all possible ways and the grade I think I’ll get. Numbers make sense. I can think straight again and I suddenly know something to write down, it doesn’t matter if my answer is right as long as I write something. Then there will always be at least a chance that it’s right.


I feel helpless… It can’t be true, it just can’t be! I must have misheard or misunderstood something. I still can’t believe it… I mean: how often does someting like this happen? She really is gone… Dead. A friend of mine, she was 16 years old and one of the nicest people I have ever met. She wasn’t ill or anything, It wasn’t an accident either, it was bad luck: Bleeding in her brain… I don’t think I quit realize it yet though, for I expect to see her everytime I walk around a corner and whenever I see a door opening.

I was in Dutch class when a few people were taken away, we didn’t know why but soon all sorts of explanations were yelled trough the room. Most of them did havce her in them, the people were her best friends. When we saw they were crying – the guys too – we knew it was serious. After our lesson I immidiatly went to them and just hugged them, hugged them all. At that point I didn’t know what had happened. When they told me the rolls changed, suddenly they had to comfort me because I was crying, shoulder shocking. After a few minutes the whole school was gathered in the ‘Great hall’ (I say great hall because that is litterally translated what we call it and I don’t know an other word for it), the principal told everyone that she had bad news, I was the only one there who already knew, the others were somewhere else in the school with the man who is responsible for us (again lack of a fitting word). Everyone was looking at me because I just sat there, still crying. When she told the other students there were mixed reactions: shock, disbelieve, sadness, confusion. I you wanted you could talk about it to teachers or just sit in silence. Today I was okay if you didn’t want to go to your lessons. I stayed at school for 2 hours, I had nowhere else to go. I was silent, except for crying that s. We just sat there and cried, laughed about things she’d say and cried some more. People kept saying they didn’t believe it. And that if it was a joke, which we all hoped that the person who did it wouldn’t leave the school in one piece. In the mean time I was counting: people I saw walking outside, the amount of cups that were standing one the table with drinks and how many times people pet me on my head, trying to comfort me (they could easily do that because I was sitting on the floor), it helped my clear my mind a little, not much but just enough to keep me from swearing and yelling.

After that we went outside, me and a few others, there were people from my school everywhere, talking and being sad. after an other hour we went back to school. Me and a friend played some volleyball, because that is the way we both handle everything that happens in our lives. It calmed me down a little.

I have said it out loud once, I couldn’t bring myself to it at first but I had to explain to my mom why I was crying, again.


I hope you will understand why I haven’t posted in a while, the last part happened today.

Rest In Peace Sweet, wonderful Rinske ❀

Until next time X Cleo

P.s I think I’ll do more posts like this, just my thoughts. Whould you like that? please leave a comment!


4 hours of volleyball and head first in the trash can?!

I should stop saying I’m gonna do things, because I might not do it or just forget it… Anyway today I’ll tell you about my volleyball training, I’ll try to make this is an order that you’ll understand. Usually I just write whatever comes to my mind and I’ll keep doing that but I’ll try to make it more readable.

It’s vacation, I haven’t done much the whole week exept for studying so when I went to my training I was pretty tired in the beginning but I was kinda hyper at the same time, if that makes sense… I was a bit late but that didn’t matter too much because my trainers were to. Some of you might know that I had one trainer, now I got two. One of them, the new one is 25 and the other 52. At the beginning of the training we got homework, homework in the vacation! But I guess we have to learn the new system somehow.

During the warming-up we did a lot of squat exercises and now my but hurts, my upperlegs don’t because they’re trained pretty well. The thing is the newish trainer who will be there every week from now on always makes me laugh, and he doens’t even do anything. His face makes my laugh xD. And he is really funny but even if he doesn’t say anything I lose control. I wasn’t the only one laughing so that wasn’t a problem but the exercises didn’t go that well because half my team was cracking up. I don’t even know why because I was too busy trying to not fall down due to my own laughter.

After the warming up I sudenly got sick and dizzy so I had to stop for a while. Everyone was super sweet, asked if they could help me in some way. The 25 y.o trainer came up to me at one point and he was really sweet, he really seemed to care. So did the others but I have known them much longer, IΒ appreciate it just as much. I really didn’t expect someone caring that much all of a sudden. He sort of half hugged me and went back to the field.

The rest of the training I had a lot of fun, kept lauging about everything, I really couldn’t help it! In the end we played a match against my trainers and one team mate. The 52 y.o trainer kept saying things like: ‘smash us of the field, these old men!’ That turned out really funny and I’ll tell you why in a bit. During that match we kept says things like: ‘if you can reach it with one hand, you can reach it with two!’ because that is someting my trainer keeps telling us.

After the training one team mate and I always stay a little longer and this time we were asked to join the match an other team was gonna play so we stayed and did that. I formed a team with that team mate and my yonger trainer, later the other trainer joined in too. The yonger trainer kept refering to the older one as ‘the old man’ which I of course thought was hilarious. I litteraly fell down a few times because I was laughing so hard because of things he said. We played two sets and won both.

I trew a volleyball to my (yonger) trainers head, at first he was like: where did that come from? then he saw me and said: ‘lets put you head first in the trash can!’ someone actually did that to me once when I was 7 (that time was also because I didn’t stop laughing the whole day). He ran after me and of course caught me, he picked me up (how to pickup girls? just like that) and carried me around as id he had hunted me. Then he started spinning around and I almost trew up 😦

His training started and me and my team mate kept playing one agaist one for a while. Then we took down the net, but since I was really tired I didn’t get the poles out of the holes they stand in, so my trainer came to help immediately. He really is sweet and a gentelman… and not good looking AND 25, CONTROL YOUR BRAIN! Stop that train of thought, what’s wrong with you?! I guess being funny really is attractive…. Thank god he’s not good looking, I would have fallen for him, that isn’t even a question in my head. I guess this does prove that attractive and good looking are different things to me though, which is something I’m happy about.

Now don’t go crazy I don’t like him in that way but I really do like to have him around.

I had a game today, lost 4-0 to a team that’s way to good for us. It was fun anyway and that’s all that matters. πŸ™‚

I guess that’s it for this week

X Cleo ❀

Guilty or innocent?!

Hey guys,

I had a prom on Thursday, I’ll write about that later. Right now I’m going to do the guilty or innocent tag. I just picked some -actually a lot- random questions from the internet. I might give an explanation for some of them. but since you all allready know I never had a boyfriend I’ll skip those questions. (It’s going in the right direction with Max though)

Kissed one of your Facebook friends? Innocent

Danced on a table in a bar? Innocent

Ever told a lie? Guilty, I mean who hasn’t… I’d like it to be different though.

Had feelings for someone whom you can’t have? Guilty, I liked my friends (not a really close friend but still) boyfriend and yeah celeb crushes xD

Ever kissed someone of the same sex? Innocent

Kissed a picture? Guilty

Slept in until 5 PM? Innocent, 3PM is my latest

Fallen asleep at work/school? Guilty, on purpose, during chemistry, my teacher didn’t even notice!

Held a snake? Guilty, and I loved it!

Been suspended from school? Innocent

Stolen from a store? Guilty 😦 I stole something once and felt super guilty, I cried about it for like 3 days (It was 2 euro)

Been fired from a job? Innocent, only quit once.

Done something you regret? Guilty

Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? Guilty

Kissed in the rain? Innocent

Sat on a roof top? Guilty, daily in summer ❀

Kissed someone you shouldn’t? Innocent

Sang in the shower? Innocent, way to bad of a singer for that…

Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? Guilty

Shaved your head? Innocent

Slept naked? Guilty (no comment)

Been in a band? Innocent

Shot a gun? In video games?!

Donated blood? Innocent, I hope I will some day!

Eaten alligator meat? INNOCENT

Eaten cheesecake? Guilty πŸ™‚

Still love someone you shouldn’t? Innocent

Have/had a tattoo? Innocent

Liked someone, but will never tell who? Innocent, I always tell those tings.

Been too honest? Guilty, I always tell everybody what I think. Please tell my if I go to far.

Ruined a surprise? Guilty, I can’t shut up. It wasn’t a big surprise though

Dressed in a woman’s clothes (if your a guy) or man’s clothes (if your a girl)? Guilty

Been told that you’re handsome or beautiful by someone who totally meant what they said? Guilty ❀ You need those people in your life.

Get totally drunk one night and you have an important exam tomorrow morning? Innocent, never been drunk.

Get so angry that you cried? Guilty

Tried to stay away from someone for their own good? Innocent

Thought about suicide? Guilty… For everybody having those thoughts: Please don’t. You are beautiful in your own way and you have to love yourself for who you are, it makes it so much easier for others to do the same.

X Cleo ❀

My week

Hey everyone,

I said I would write about the things it did this week. I will also tell you about some things I did last week, I’ll try to keep it chronological. So here we go.

On Thursday I went to the hairdressere, finaly! The last time was before the summer holidays (I know, way too long ago!) so I’m really happy with it now. It’s about 16 cm (6 inches) shorter and really soft Friday I went snowboarding, it was my 3th time boarding ever and I actually did kinda good, the first time I tried I was able to do the zigzag route they put up with little posts in the snow. So I was really happy about that. After a while I was the one helping others which was fun. πŸ™‚
On Saterday I met Max But I already told you about that. (I’m still not over how cute he is in real lifeΒ  ❀ )
And on Wednesday I gave training first and then I had training, but since my trainer was ill and the one that usually takes over too one of my teammates had come up with some practises for us. The team that normlly trains after we do didn't come because so many people were ill so some friends and I stayed for a while longer. When I did get home I was exhausted but it was worth it.
Thursday my legs were killing me because of the training!
Yesterday morning the there were people distributing roses (for 2 euro's you could sent someone a rose with a little card), I allready knew who would get a rose from who. I had kind of expected a rose from Max but I didn't get one. I did get candy from a friend of mine which was really sweet πŸ™‚
Yesterday evening I had a match I play 2-2 (you always play 4 sets). We didn't win but we were pretty good which was nice.
This morning I found out that Max did sent me a rose but I never got it…. But he did sent it which is sweet ❀ Maybe we are going to do something fun tomorrow.
And for tonight my brother had invited some friends over which is always extremely awkward and uncomfortable for me so I wasn't really looking forward to it but I actually turned out to be pretty funny. My little brother was playing a game called '30 seconds' with them but he quit so then I had to join and it was hilarious. You basiccaly have to guess 5 words within 30 seconds, for each one you get you get a point and whoever gets 30 points first wins.
I also tried out my nail white pencil (Rimmel London) today and I love it πŸ™‚

I think I'll do the 'guilty' tagg for my next post, I'm not tagged but I think it's funny. If anyone has tips for what I can do for a post, please leave a comment!

X Cleo ❀

Shopping and pizza!

Hi everyone,

Yesterday I went to the Hague with Max, the guy I met on Tinder (don’t judge). We went shopping and had pizza, it was a lot of fun and I show you what I bought and a mini DIY I did today. I am supposed to be doing homework but I promised and I will keep that promise. So basically this is my excuse to not do what I am supposed to do…
For some reason I can’t change the size of the pictures on my tablet so they’ll all be huge, sorry for that.

I needed new indoor sports shoes, for volleybal and PE. I got white Asics, I acctually wanted black once with the Asics logo blue but those only exist for males, that would’nt be a problem for me but that means that they don’t have them in my size. For girls they litteraly were all pink, all of them. And since the color of my club is blue that would’nt do, so I ended up buying white once.


I also got knie hight sports socks because we (my team) decided that It looks cool and that we were tired of shaving πŸ˜‰

The next thing I got is tthis awesome sweater! Let my geeky side shine and show my house pride!!!


If there would be mixed houses I’d be in Slyffindor but I’m more Gryfinndor than Slytherin.
And now for the mini DIY. I had some old really cheap rings. I took of the color, which is super easy with those chap things, and I recolored it with nail polish, now it’s scarlet and it sparkles πŸ™‚ Not that you can see it very well but believe me, it does. I love scarlet because it the color of Gryffindor and just because it’s pretty πŸ™‚


So after shopping we went to the VIP (=Verry Italian Pizza) anyone in the Hague needs to go there, it’s delicious! They help you very quickly. They also have pasta’s, those are really good to but I am more of a pizza kind of person.

Nothing happened between me and Max but he is really cute… I caught myself staring at him quiet a few times. He is super sweet to and thinks he had to be a gentleman all the time.

Next post I’ll probably write about random things I did on different days of the week. I went to the hairdresser and SNOWBOARDING and I guess I’ll do something fun on Valentines day too.

X Cleo<3

No post today

Sorry guys, I forgot the time and it’s past 11 in the evening already. I tired and for some reason my eyesight is blurred so it’s kind of hard to type right now. Tomorrow I’ll write about what  I did today because I had a super fun day with that guy I  kinda like. We went shopping and had pizza but more of that later. I’m going to bed and hope that I will be able to see normally tomorrow.

Love you all, I would really appreciate it if you would leave a comment. ❀ Cleo Zzzzzzzzz

What I do to relieve stress

I know I didn’t post again but I had a very busy weekend and after that I didn’t feel well plus I was almost done with this post and then I lost more than half the post because I suddenly couldn’t connect to wordpress anymore (which got me pretty stressed because I wanted to post this). I was tired and super stressed because of school. I saw a youtube video in which a girl showed how she handels stress and I thougth lets make a post in which I’ll tell about my own ways of doing that. Later this week I’ll post about the polar-bear trip I went on last weekend and after that you’ll hear about how my date went, because I’m going to the movies with that guy I met on Tinder.

I am ill a lot because of my bad imume-system, specially when I eat the wrong things. And because of school I had only little sleep and free time which is something that always stresses me out. But this time was wors. I was so tired I couldn’t concentrate on anything and because of that I got more stressed which made me sleep even less.

First of all, let me start with the very best way to relieve stress which is to just get up and do what you have to do. The things you haven’t done yet are the cause of the stress. When you’re working on those things you are reducing the stress.

Now, if you are anything like me and can get so stressed that you feel like you can’t do anything anymore. And you can’t concentrate on one thing because there is so much that you should be doing, then I may just be able to help you. The best way to relieve your stress so you can work again is to do exactly what you probably have been telling yourself not to do: something completely different from the work you have to do. distract yourself for a while.

For me art is very important because it helps me with that. It might sound boring to some of you but there are a lot of things you can discribe with the word art: drawing, painting, filming, photography, claying, acting, writing, making music and a lot more. I am the first person to admit that I’m not an artist but I really like art, making art or looking/listening art.

Since I’m not a good drawer I like te draw madala’s, they can be anyway you want so people can’t judge you for it. Just draw what you like and if it isn’t perfect it doesn’t matter, don’t go stressing about that! just remember you are doing it for fun and to relieve your stress, not to create it.

These are the materials I used. The brush to ad a little bit of water, eventhough these aren’t acryl pencils it does work. If you ad a tiny bit of water to a lot of pigment it makes the colors (colours) more vibrant. I also used a ruler to make a spiderweb like shape as a guideline. I also like to draw some circels to make sure it stays sort of round.


I like to start with a flower because for me that is the easiest way to start.


Just keep adding shapes and colores to your mandala.


Do something creative with the edge, that makes it one big piece.


When I’m done I like to ad a color to the background to give it some depth and make it seen more alive.


If you think this is hard I strongly disagree! if you thinks this is an amazing piece of art, congratulations! You can do this too.

I usualy listen to music while drawing, mostly happy songs. A lot of disney songs really (I’m 16 I know, don’t judge) like: Why sould I worry, I’m on my way, almost there, I have a dream and bare-nessesities. Those songs make me really happy.

Do keep in mind that this can take quiet some time and you want to relax but if you neglect your work for to long the stress will only get worse.

Some other things I like to do are Listing music, reading, writing, doing sports, well I usualy do those things and listen to music at the same time. I really like Milow, ed sheeran, de jeugd van tegewoordig (a dutch rap group), I like almost al sorts of music really…

I hope this had helped you relieve some of you’re stress

Love you all X Cleo ❀